You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
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