my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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