While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
