if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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