how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
