Three words: puerto rican gang bang
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
