Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
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my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
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I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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