I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
