I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
