We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
