I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
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i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
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I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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