This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Randomize
