All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
