where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
