the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
