I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Randomize
