the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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