this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
