the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
