My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
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