just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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