Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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