Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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