How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
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I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
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i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize