: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I need to stop coming to work sober
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
