I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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