Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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