im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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