lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
A+ Viking dick