In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
