You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
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