wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Randomize
