i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
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I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
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On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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