i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
