Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
