were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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