WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
