is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
