Already got asked if we're dating
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
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So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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