Can i not drive my cunt home
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
