did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
