I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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