i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
