I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
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Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
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Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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