Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I enjoy the company of your penis
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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