i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
