I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
