saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
