Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
