I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
