Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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