hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
