I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
