I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
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Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
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The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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